performance-based parenting
Today was not a stellar day for this mom of 3. Not at all. While I'd like to blame today on the yesterday's brush with the Stomach Flu, I will not. It was my own sin that took me for a ride on the angry bus today. And to be even more specific, my anger over my children's failures was "bustin' out all over," much like the month of June.
Perhaps some of you dear ones can relate? I thought about (uh, actually typed and erased) listing the exact nature of the things I was/am upset over in my kids' behavior, but then I realized that was really unkind. Let it suffice to say that at the end of it all, I found myself longing for better performance from them -- better performance that would make me look like a better parent. Now I've got you, don't I? Yeah. You know exactly what I mean.
I hear it in others too. Parents worrying about how much weight their kids have put on. Parents worrying about how immature their kids act. Parents worrying about how little their children like to read. Parents worrying that their children will never be responsible. Parents comparing their kids to their friends' kids. Oh, it's a treacherous road we share, when we purpose to compare! And I found myself falling, falling, on this road today.
I remember back to my childhood, or rather teen-hood, when my mother really wished me to do different things than I chose to do. I disappointed her because I was not the highly social, cheerleader-type that she had been. More introspective and subdued, I preferred having a smaller network of friends and staying clear of the spotlight. The summer before my senior year of high school, she begged me to consider becoming a contestant in the "Miss Butler County" Pageant. (My mom was 2nd runner up in the "Miss Clarion State College" pageant). One of the judges knew my mom and kept telling her she didn't know why I wouldn't audition. I called it a "cattle herding contest" and said I would have no part in such a thing. A few of my friends were in the pageant, but I had no desire for it. I knew my friend Jodie would beat me out in the talent category (she was an amazing pianist) and I knew many of the girls had better grades than I, so I wouldn't get the academic scholarship. So, I reasoned, why go through the stress of it only to lose? No. Not me. But this was hard for my mom to accept.
Now I see myself doing the same thing. All the things I love to pursue are not the things my girls love to pursue. Try as I may, I cannot force them to love what I love. They are geared differently. Perhaps they are more like their sweet daddy in tastes and desires? Or perhaps they are just who they are. As a parent, this requires more of me, because I have to really reach for God to understand them and come alongside them in their pursuits. It's not fun. It doesn't stroke my pride. Some of the things they excel in are things people don't ever see...or even things I don't value. But at the end of the day, I DO want them to each be who God has created them to be, not a mini-me.
I had to ask God for his forgiveness today, and then turn and ask my children for theirs. I had my eyes on performance-based parenting today, as I do many days. And the irony is, God, who is perfection Himself, doesn't even hold me to a performance standard. If ever there was a parent who had a right to demand our best performance in order "to make him look good," it would be our God. Yet he knows our weaknesses and doesn't chastise us for them. Oh how I need His grace to do the same. Do you?
Perhaps some of you dear ones can relate? I thought about (uh, actually typed and erased) listing the exact nature of the things I was/am upset over in my kids' behavior, but then I realized that was really unkind. Let it suffice to say that at the end of it all, I found myself longing for better performance from them -- better performance that would make me look like a better parent. Now I've got you, don't I? Yeah. You know exactly what I mean.
I hear it in others too. Parents worrying about how much weight their kids have put on. Parents worrying about how immature their kids act. Parents worrying about how little their children like to read. Parents worrying that their children will never be responsible. Parents comparing their kids to their friends' kids. Oh, it's a treacherous road we share, when we purpose to compare! And I found myself falling, falling, on this road today.
I remember back to my childhood, or rather teen-hood, when my mother really wished me to do different things than I chose to do. I disappointed her because I was not the highly social, cheerleader-type that she had been. More introspective and subdued, I preferred having a smaller network of friends and staying clear of the spotlight. The summer before my senior year of high school, she begged me to consider becoming a contestant in the "Miss Butler County" Pageant. (My mom was 2nd runner up in the "Miss Clarion State College" pageant). One of the judges knew my mom and kept telling her she didn't know why I wouldn't audition. I called it a "cattle herding contest" and said I would have no part in such a thing. A few of my friends were in the pageant, but I had no desire for it. I knew my friend Jodie would beat me out in the talent category (she was an amazing pianist) and I knew many of the girls had better grades than I, so I wouldn't get the academic scholarship. So, I reasoned, why go through the stress of it only to lose? No. Not me. But this was hard for my mom to accept.
Now I see myself doing the same thing. All the things I love to pursue are not the things my girls love to pursue. Try as I may, I cannot force them to love what I love. They are geared differently. Perhaps they are more like their sweet daddy in tastes and desires? Or perhaps they are just who they are. As a parent, this requires more of me, because I have to really reach for God to understand them and come alongside them in their pursuits. It's not fun. It doesn't stroke my pride. Some of the things they excel in are things people don't ever see...or even things I don't value. But at the end of the day, I DO want them to each be who God has created them to be, not a mini-me.
I had to ask God for his forgiveness today, and then turn and ask my children for theirs. I had my eyes on performance-based parenting today, as I do many days. And the irony is, God, who is perfection Himself, doesn't even hold me to a performance standard. If ever there was a parent who had a right to demand our best performance in order "to make him look good," it would be our God. Yet he knows our weaknesses and doesn't chastise us for them. Oh how I need His grace to do the same. Do you?
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